And we’re back!

Brooke: OMG I JUST WATCHED AN HOUR OF NEW MOON AT LUNCH

me: Whaaaat? I JUST tweeted this: Got a game from Gamefly and my Xbox hooked up in the other room–gotta keep myself busy while the wife celebrates New Moon day tomorrow…

Brooke: HAHAHA ITS TODAY AND TOMORROW BUDDY

me: You are such a crazy person, and it cracks me up

Brooke: it was fun watching with brie and alex. Alex cried.

.

.

.

me: That’s right, you just got a vertical ellipses from me

Brooke: HAHAHAHA

Bean racist

At Panera:

“Ugh, your soup stinks.”

“What? It’s black bean soup it smells great. You think my black bean burgers smell too.”

“They do smell! They smell like BO.”

“Who have you been smelling that smells like this? They must be delicious.”

“Oh I’m not saying black beans aren’t good. I love them in my chili, they just reek.”

“You’re a bean racist.”

Brooke’s Dream Job

“Sometimes I wish I could be like an undercover cop that goes to high school and like, busts crazy high school crimes. I mean I could pull it off.

I'd be 25, but I could pass for 16

I’m serious! You’d have to be in the bad crowd to bust the crimes, but that’s okay, I’d be cool. And you wouldn’t have to do homework because you’re a cop, you could just fake your way through all the classes. I’ve really put some thought into it. It’s my dream job.”

Go Gap commercial!

“I think you and I are the only ones on the planet that don’t hate those Gap commercials?”

“What? Really?”

“Yeah, like the entire internet hates them–worst holiday commercials ever and all that.”

“How can you hate them? ‘Go Christmas! Go Hanukkah! Go Kwanzaa! Go Solstice!’ Plus there’s those cute little girls, and that one boy that does that cool move where he slides to the side. I think they’re great.”

“Hey you’re preaching to the choir here.”‘

“The internet is crazy, they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Maybe I’m just a scrooge

“Something about lying to our kids about Santa just doesn’t sit right with me.”

“What? Why do you think like that? It’s magical and fun.”

“I don’t know. I mean it’s not like I resent my parents for doing it–in fact my mom never has confessed, we still get gifts from Santa–and I know despite my protests I’ll still do it to our kids when we have them. It just feels weird.”

“You’re weird.”

“Yeah, I know.”

You’d do that for me?

From gchat:

Brooke: random took-me-by-surprise statment from my boss

“If you need me to be a dick, I will be that for you.”
I was like uhhhh ok

tried not to laugh and went on my way

Austin: huh?

Brooke: he said that about being the mean person in situations so we didn’t have to.

Austin: that was…nice of him

Brooke: haha, I know!

Another one bites the dust

From gchat:

Austin: Holy CA-RAP, someone else just put in a notice!

Brooke: wow, that place is falling apart
i’m doing a sing song voice while i say that
just for effect

Austin: All right, I’m imagining your sing song voice, and I’m adding a funny dance

Probe grease?

“It’s weird, it’s like I can put on this face and I handle all the stressful situations at work.”

“Really? I must see the other face then. I’m always worried that you’re going to do something crazy like strip naked, cover yourself in probe grease, and run screaming from the building.”

“No,” long pause for high-pitched squeaky laugh. “There’s no such thing as probe grease.”

“Oh, my mistake.”

The umbrella showdown

Bingo!

“Look at that, the Grady Cole Center’s having a gay bingo night.”

“What?”

“Yeah, look at the sign.”

“Huh.”

“What’s the difference between regular bingo and gay bingo?”

“That’s a good question.”